Transition

2020 has been a chaotic year for much of the world and many have been through some of the toughest times they have even been in their life. For me, 2020 was rough; but more enlightening than anything. This year I got my body back through working out more since I had more time. I separated from my husband…again…for the third time. I will get more into that later. I finally took and passed my licensure exam as a therapist and ended that journey.

Although the pandemic and national unrest due to racial injustices triggered my anxiety and even some depression initially, I managed to get through it. Until, I moved out of my family home. That’s right, I separated from my husband the last and final time. And as liberating as it was, the permanence of my decision has been the hardest thing for me to cope with. My emotions have been all over the place; angry, sad, anxious, fearful. I even experienced a brief moment of making decisions that lacked all good judgment.

It was after that moment in time, I told myself “nothing good could come from this” and retreated to myself and God. What I mean is I observed my actions, didnt like what I saw or felt and chose to do something different. I was tired of feeling defeated by my life. Although there were many positive experiences such as moving into my own beautiful townhome, licensure and getting into shape, I was still sad and angry. My failed marriage was solidified, my finances were extremely limited even with a part time job. And my self esteem was shot.

I was now raising a 13 year old black male as the primary guardian. This was my worst fear. This was also why I chose to remain in my marriage as long as I did. I finally admitted to myself one day that I was in a crisis. The definition of a crisis is “a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger.” I felt all of these things. I felt alone… I felt lonely, and worse…I felt helpless to do anything about it. All I wanted to do was stay in my townhome and never come out. I was a mental health therapist, in crisis, that had no desire to help anyone, much less do anything about it.

Oddly I managed to keep working out at the gym during this time and go to both jobs which turned out to be my lifesavers. Apparently I wasn’t as checked out as I thought and encouraged myself to recommit full time to my spiritual journey and relationship with God. My mental health has been an ongoing task since I got married. There are other factors that contribute to living with depression that I have to manage such as issues with my thyroid or the lack thereof so I have to constantly monitor my emotions and body. But starting my life over from scratch came at me hard and fast.

I moved out September 1st 2020. I got the townhome I desired although it was at the high end of my budget. The process only took 4 days from the time of application; God did that! I had no money to move out or anybody to help me move; God provided! Now, It has been tight financially but all of my bills get paid on time every month. Do I get sad sometimes that I can’t take my son to a theme park or places to celebrate his birthday? Yes. I often get sad that I can’t be a blessing to others for life events and accomplishments. But I remind myself that I am in transition; it won’t always be like this. “Crisis” always sparks the opportunity for change. This is the beginning of another chapter. A chapter filled with opportunities, healing, progress, prosperity, hope and prayerfully…love.

I am still adjusting to returning to pre-pandemic life which includes pre depression activities such as hanging out with friends and going to church. But I am ready for what life has to unfold for me as I become my best self. I make sure to speak positive affirmations daily, spend time with God and protect my peace by creating boundaries. I plan to continue documenting this journey of higher self so make sure to stay tuned!