Have you ever done something for so long, so well that it became a part of your personality and life template, your avatar per se ? This can be an activity, job, hobby or even a relationship; then one day out of the blue…disgust, dread, disdain and any other synonym you can think of to describe the lack of interest to continue it any longer in that particular thing; BUT YOU CONTINUED ANYWAY! I don’t know what this is called, but it has happened to me numerous times in different areas of my life: relationships, jobs, friendships. The question that always seems to come to mind is why do I stay? why do I keep doing it? Why don’t I just… PIVOT?
Oxford Languages describes pivot as to “completely change the way in which one does something.” To bring more context to this post, I had completely settled in to a job… no, a career I no longer enjoyed. This role took every opportunity possible to burn me out and boy was it succeeding. I no longer enjoyed the things I used to enjoy such as spending time with friends and family, I wanted to use all my free time recovering at home from the work week. As an introvert, this was not a difficult thing for me to do and I actually enjoyed it. But ultimately I had to come to terms with the feelings that were stewing away in me when it was time for Monday to roll around. I could no longer dismiss it, feelings of dread, frustration, sadness and anxiety. I often wondered if I was depressed, I was, and I eventually went to see a therapist. Now, this would not be the first time I went to see a therapist, this would actually be the third and for the exact same thing: my overwhelming desire to quit because its making me anxious and depressed.
In my journey to process all of my emotions, I often wondered: How did I get here? How did I get to this point where I cringe at the idea of conducting another therapy session. How long have I been here? At what point in my career did I began to notice that I was no longer fulfilled, happy or motivated to sit in front of countless individuals willing and wanting to share an hour out of their day with me hoping to get their own answers. And lastly, why did I stay so long? After the first two failed attempts to leave private practice due to burnout, I went back again a third time, desperate to work from home via tele mental health and hoping this time it will be different. It wasn’t. Within in 6 months I was in front of therapist…again blubbering about feeling depressed, purposeless and clueless about what I really want to do in life. I couldn’t believe it, I was back in the same place using the same template I used the first two times: Job role, burnout, existential crisis, therapist. I didn’t learn a doggone thing, or did I and chose change for the moment until I felt better, who knows. In my third time of burnout, I discovered in my personal therapy sessions that I saw having to quit a job due to burnout as failure, and I would always go back to what burned me out as a testament that I can challenge it head on and not be a complete failure. I had developed a core belief system that was working against me and not for me. As a private practice therapist, it was a career that worked for me in a season in my life for many years, and fulfilled me in ways that were needed at that time. Now. I have accepted that change is not a failure, it is just that change. And maybe being a therapist in the capacity of 1:1 therapy sessions no longer work for me. It is important to recognize when your physical, mental and emotional needs require this. I ignored my physical, mental and emotional needs, pushed myself right past them instead. This was not wise and I paid the price for it time and time again. I would not encourage anyone to do this. Instead, I would advise to pay attention to emotional trends.
I am currently in process of a role transition. I am excited about the career and role changes in my life but I also feel uncertain, and I must admit this uncertainty is uncomfortable. I have been in social welfare/services/work for so long I couldn’t see myself doing anything else. I am now forced to step out in faith and do something different. This is exactly what I wanted, the work opportunities for career change are not presenting as fast as I would like in this economic climate but that is okay because it also provides me the space to pursue other life goals like starting a haircare line business, which I always wanted to do (I’m sure I will be advertising that here soon.) All in all, I saw what was not working, took a chance at change, reduced stress and have time to invest in another business venture. For me, this is success if I say so myself.
The Jolt in Your Veins 